復活の兆し？

実は現在休職中。毎日自分の身体と心に今日の調子を確認しながら行動する毎日。

休職して最初の２週間は、ほとんど起きていられないくらい身体が重くて重くてしかたなかった。私の身体は、床にくっついているのではと思うくらい、ほとんど横になっていた。

普通は、こういう状況に陥ったら自分の身体に何が起こっているのか戸惑って、なかなか受入れられないのかなと思う。

実際私も、４年ほど前に同じような経験をしたとき、自分はおかしくなってしまったと思った。新卒で入社した会社を辞めた後。辞めたら仕事のストレスから解放されてラクになれると思ったのに、全然違う苦しさが待ち構えていた。何が自分の身に起こっているのか理解できなくて、受け入れるまでに時間がかかった。結局１年近くお家で過ごしていたけれど、あれは本当にしんどかった。

でも今回は違う。とにかく身体が動こうとしてくれるまで待つしかないことを知っている。それに、どん底まで落ちる前に早めに自分を避難させた。だから、身体はしんどくても、気持ちは割と落ち着いている。少なくとも以前に比べれば。

一昨日は比較的身体が軽かった。外へ出ても、ちゃんと帰ってこれるかなんて心配しなくていいくらい、足が動いた。そこへ友人からランチのお誘いがあった。彼女とは昔からの付き合いで、なんでも正直に話すことができる。だから、いいタイミングだと思って、昨日久しぶりにランチに行ってきた。

ランチして、お茶して、自分の近況を話して、彼女の話も聞いて、あっという間の５時間だった。家族以外の人と話すのも、人がいる場所で過ごすのも久しぶりだったので、エネルギーは消費したけれど、いい疲労だった。５時間も外で過ごせた。

今日は案の定、身体がまた起きようとしないけれど、多分、一番しんどい状態からは抜け出たような気がする。復活の兆し？だったらいいなぁ。

しかし、こんな風に自分の状態を落ち着いて観察し、受け入れられるようになったのは、私も随分と変わったなぁと思う。休職するまで追い込まれてしまったのは、反省すべき点もあるけれど、今回は自分の未熟さだけが原因ではない。よくやったと思ってもいいところもある。

私は私のペースで少しずつ変化してきている。

Honestly spealking, I am taking a leave of absence from work to get treated now and spending time as asking my body and heart their today's condition every day. 

For the first two weeks since I started to leave from my work, my body felt so heavy that I couldn't even get up. I spent almost my whole day lying down and thought that my body was stuck to the floor.

I think it natual that people get confused and cannot accept what is happening to their body easily when they get into such a situation.

Indeed, I was in panic and thought that I got crazy when I had the same experience 4 years ago. It was after I left a company which I had been working since I graduated from my university. I had thought that I could get released from my stress and get feel better after leaving there but faced the difficulties which I had not imagined. I couldn't go outside. It took time for me to understand and accept what occured to me. After all, I had to spend my time at home for about one year, and it was really hard time.

However, this time is different since I know that what I can do is to be patient and wait for my body to get reovered naturally. Also, I could evacuate myself from a terrible environment before I hit rock bottom. So, even though I am suffering physically, I am calm mentally, at least compared to the previous situation.

The day before yesterday, my body felt lighter. When I went out, I could walk on my natural speed without any worries like 'If I can't walk anymore on the way, how can I go back home?'. And it was a good timing, but my best friend invited me to lunch. It's been more than 15 years since I got to know about her and so I can tell her everything. I wanted to see her and thought that it might be a good chance to change my condition, so hung out with her yesterday.

Having lunch, grabbing a cup of tea, talking about my current situation, and listening to her. We spent about 5 hours together and its been a while since I talked with someone except my family or stayed in a place where there are many people last time.  I consumed my energy and felt tired but enjoyed myself. I could stay outside for 5 hours!

Just as expected, I cannot get up again today, but I feel I could probably get out of the worst condition. Hopefully, it is a sign of recovery.

Anyway, I think I have changed a lot enough to observe myself and accept my current condition calmly. I need to reflect on driving myself into a wall at some points but it's not all my faults. There are some good points that I can praise myself for.

I am making changes and going forward little by little on my own pace.